Fleeting Feelings

Currently, I am cuddled up on my couch, wearing a big yellow blanket. My bunny slippers are on, and I just finished eating a big bowl of ice cream. I wrote in my diary, filing away all of today’s happenings. August twenty-ninth, twenty-twenty-three. Michael flew to Virginia for work, we sang Happy Birthday to a coworker, and I have a date planned with Olivia for tomorrow night; we are going to get bubble tea. I am alone tonight. Michael is away for work, and it is just me on our couch.

I am flipping through old journal entries. The story of my current diary began on December tenth, twenty-twenty.

Writing has helped me navigate life for years. On and off, I have used my diary to reflect and work through thoughts and emotions. Tonight, my journal has helped me differently. I am not currently sitting and writing to work through anything. I tried to write. I had very little to say. Tonight, my journal has helped me by letting me get a glimpse into the thoughts I shared in privacy over the past three years.

Feelings, even the really, really big ones, are often fleeting. We should treat them as such.

As I read over my old entries, I imagined how I felt while writing them. Entries about my future where I truly felt terrified. Disheartening entries detailing the way I looked at my body. Pages of feeling alone and isolated.

It is very important to note that these feelings often contradict themselves on the following page. One day, I felt heart-breakingly alone, but the next, I shared about how loved and supported I felt. One day, I wrote about my insecurities and how debilitating they felt, yet with the turn of a page, I was a brand new girl; I wrote about feeling confident and loving myself.

All of these big feelings I shared with my diary were fleeting. Imagine I was able to recognize that in my day-to-day life. Imagine the power that I would have if I could recognize a negative feeling I was having and I could tell myself, “You probably won’t feel this way tomorrow, why not just let it go now?”.

Maybe I will try that out.

With love,

Kristen Mary Carolan

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